Day 4 - “Shield the Flame”
Sometimes the slightest puff of wind is the biggest risk when you’re nurturing a spark into a flame--just breathing wrong on it can extinguish the flicker. Similarly, sometimes love can feel fragile. Even in the most secure relationships, partners occasionally have momentary disconnections which can prick at the deep insecurities we all hide deep inside. It is crucial to master the skill of recognizing and responding reassuringly to those feelings. Take Ken and Beth. They have been together for 5 happy years and have grown a successful Etsy business. Beth recently stepped away from the business to take care of their busy 2 year old toddler, and now they are fighting all the time.
“All I hear is that I never come out of the office and I’m working too hard,” Ken says. “You freak out when I don’t come to bed, but I’m working for us, you know.” And Beth bitterly shoots back, “There is no ‘us’ anymore. You say you don’t even know me.”
With guidance, Ken and Beth learn how to see beyond the destructive remarks to recognize, and--most importantly--share their fears in softer ways.
They begin to see Beth’s attacks and demands as her desperate protest against the erosion of her bond with Ken. They understand Ken’s defensiveness and cool rationality as expressions of his fears that Beth is is disappointed in him and that he is losing her.
Ken becomes able to risk telling Beth, “You’re right. When we’re fighting, I can’t hear your hurt. All I can see at those times is your anger. I only hear that I have blown it and failed again. So I guess I just try to shove it all down and clam up to stop the fight and all your examples of how I have fallen short again. But do you think I don’t know that I’m losing you?”
When she hears this, Beth softens and sees that it is not that he doesn’t care for her or need her, it is that he cannot deal with the fear of losing her. She acknowledges “I do become furious when you brush me off and go back to work,” she says. “It feels like all the times my dad promised to come see me but never showed, and then I felt like a fool for hoping. Even though I know this is different, somehow it feels the same.”
As Beth learns to tell Ken about her disappointment and longing, instead of venting her anger at him, he gets a new view of Beth and what is at stake for her here. He listens more, and they connect on a deeper emotional level, hearing and responding gently to each other’s fears.
Once you understand your lover’s fears (especially the deepest ones of all--the ones that are connected to feelings about themselves, you, and your mutual relationship), you feel more valued and less threatened, and are then able to respond more gently in return.
“Shield your spark” by learning to see past surface emotions and behaviors so you can recognize--and, most importantly, gently respond--when you and your partner are feeling uncertain, insignificant, ineffective, or unwanted. Soothing these deepest fears is the secret ingredient in strengthening intimate relationships.
Challenge:
Learn the Love R.R.R.A.P and reclaim closeness before it becomes an unbridgeable abyss with the following steps:
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Realize that how you respond at a key moment of conflict and disconnection can be deeply painful and threatening to your partner.
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Recognize that your partner’s negative reactions can be desperate attempts to deal with attachment fears.
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Remind yourself you have a big impact on your partner--for bad or good. Is how you are responding helpful or hurtful?
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Ask about his or her vulnerabilities and softer, underlying emotions, “I heard a snarky tone in your voice just now, and I want to understand what you are feeling, and how I contributed to it.”
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Put down your defenses so you can hear and understand what your partner tells you about how you impact them, so you can be more effective in helping them feel your love.
Go the Extra Mile:
Use “Parts” when expressing your emotions to your partner, i.e. share multiple or conflicting feelings: “Part of me is angry. It is part of my automatic response when we get stuck like this. But I think part of me is anxious, too.”
Journal Your Experience:
Keep track of your experiences. Record your efforts, and study them to gain insight into your own pattern of defensiveness with your partner.
Share Your Experience with me, by emailing Gina@MarriagesWorthMillions.com
Questions? I’m only an email away. Send your comments, queries, questions or quibbles to me at Gina@MarriagesWorthMillions.com.
